Trigger warning for rape
Sometimes in life, we get delayed in where we feel we should be. Sometimes it’s from fear or procrastination, or the famous “Am I good enough for this?” “THIS could be anything from work, dealing with children, dealing with difficult relationships, dealing with families who don’t want to see you get ahead.. In my case, it’s my rape, which happened over ten years ago and started my delay by ceasing any enjoyment I could have in my life. As anyone dealing with having been raped knows how difficult it is to make further steps because they know what taking on the system entails. Another horrific assault on the trauma you’ve suffered. Even though your mind has taken you to a better place when the horror occurred to keep you a little safe and separate from the horror of being raped, yes RAPED. Someone has forced themselves on you sexually without your consent. Rape cases are never black and white, in fact, it took me a while to realize and come to terms with what had happened, when what happened was that I was raped, a man drugged me and had sex with me without my consent, I can only assume plenty of times throughout the night judging by the used condoms strewn around the room. Also being told “Ah, sure you were gagging for it last night” He was a so-called friend I met for a few drinks every Thursday night, had a laugh with and he was well aware I wasn’t interested in him in any way other than a friend/drinking pal.
It didn’t stop him from carrying me out of the pub (out of it after 2 drinks) to his place, I think I’m probably lucky I don’t remember anything from the drugs he’s put in my drink.
Fast forward to more than ten very angry and inactive years later, where, looking back now, I was suffering PTSD, depression and anxiety disorders, then developed thyroid issues which were a fabulous bonus to it all, and two family deaths, I was not in a good healthy or safe place. Everything was bottled in and pushed right to the end of that bottle, anything rather than cope with the reality of my situation, I needed help and was too angry and proud to ask.
But being a very lucky person, I had and have some amazing friends and was going through positive therapy to help my mind with mechanisms for coping, and I’m also a woman who won’t let herself be stopped from doing anything or going anywhere, I’ve seen my attacker, and I’ve also heard my attacker raped another girl before raping me and probably more besides.
Again, I had great support in my friends who were there when I finally went to my local Sexual Violence Centre, and were there after sessions and helped any time bad thoughts were giving way to worse urges.
I can’t say I’m cured, and that I’ll never think of my rape again, but I do know, due to my great friends,my amazing support network and my local Sexual Violence Centre, the words “IT WAS NOT MY FAULT” will always be instilled in me.
Please, ladies and gents, if you are the victim of sexual assault, don’t hold it inside, people are there for you to talk to and to help you to become the survivor you are, with much love, ♥~J~♥ — feeling glad to have so much good in my life now
AFTER ALL, I AM A SURVIVOR!